so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
