I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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