Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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