Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Quick, to the slutcave!
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
