she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
