Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
