Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I need to align my fucking chakras
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
