The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
