I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
