Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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