So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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