I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
