maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
