pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
