Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
