the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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