Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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