i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Randomize
