2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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