apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
