the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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