Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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