he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
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