Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
