i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
