The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Panties = found
Randomize
