Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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