my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
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And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
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That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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