I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
