After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
