I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
