hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
