I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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