I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
