I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You are the jesus of drinking
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
