Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
