can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
