Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
