i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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