is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
