or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
