Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
