There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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