Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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