dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
