I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
