I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
