Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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