you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
