Got a toothbrush?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
