I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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