from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
