there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
