Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
