brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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