I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
