I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
